Full Disclosure, p.47

on, me and Mama sat and listened to the doctor explain that these physical aspects of being a hermaphrodite sometimes don’t present themselves until puberty. He told me that the tiny slit in my scrotum was the opening of a deformed vaginal canal that had found its way from my deformed uterus. It attached itself to my urethra, then branched off and found its own opening. He said he has never seen anything like it. We asked if it was going to cause problems, and he said he didn’t think so, but there was still more puberty to go through and knowing my body, anything goes!
He was right about one thing, though. There isn’t a sign of any body hair anywhere on me, crotch, legs, armpits – nothing! I’m slick as a popsicle all over! Earlier, I stood looking at myself in the doctor’s full-length mirror. With my pale skin and my tiny micropenis, I looked like a six-year-old boy, only with a round ass and B-cup boobs with areolas that are as big as half dollars.

He noted everything and gave me instructions on how to keep my new little vagina clean and avoid infections. He warned me not to use tampons, even if I could squeeze one in there. The thing that I keep falling back into, is very deep inside me. Today, I feel more like a girl than I ever have in my life. Having external medical evidence of it, physical corroboration of my feelings, settles me inside. All I want to do is go home, run in, and get my mirror and stare at it.

We rode the bus back home in silence. I am more comfortable with myself that I have ever been. I feel good about my body as racked as it is with deformities.

I brought my science book with me to study while we rode and I kept my head down pretending to study, but I couldn’t stand it anymore.  If I could settle all the shit that orbits around me, my life would move forward.

“Mama, I’m sorry that I add to your worries so much. I got involved with Billy Carnes and the truth of that hasn’t been all sussed out yet. I’m turning out to be a burden and that is the last thing I ever wanted to be. Please forgive me,” I said.

“Oh, sweetie, you have the weight of a fly on me. You are the best daughter I’ve ever had, and don’t you dare tell the other girls I said that!”

I smiled and wrapped my left arm around her shoulders and hugged her. She’s a good Mama, good to me, anyway. Mothers don’t have to shower you with gifts to be good to you.

“Child, what are we going to do with that body of yours?”

I knew she was being rhetorical. I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. “I’ve got to go with what I was born with,” I said.

“We were all dealt a hand of cards and we have to play them out,” she said. We rode along for a while and then she broke the silence. “They decided to let Penny out of Juvey. She’s coming home tomorrow. They released her into my care until the hearing that is set in the middle of next month.”

“Is she going to be mad at me?”

“Hell, I don’t know,” she said. I laughed. “Penny is mad at the world.”

“Thinking of Penny reminds me that I’ve heard so many versions of the truth that I’ve decided I’m just going with my gut,” I said.

“And what does your gut tell you?” Mama asked.

“Lay low, be cautious. Wait and see how things play out, but most of all, be careful.”

“You’ve got a good gut.”

 

2.

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